1. Plan ahead – Planning ahead is essential for keeping sane at this time of year. Make a detailed plan with your former spouse so that everyone knows exactly where the children are going to be on each day of the holiday. Be sure to share this information with your extended family as well. If it works out that certain big days do not fall under you custody “turn” then choose another day to celebrate with your kids. Make it special!
2. Begin new family traditions – Bake cookies for your neighbors, take the kids ice skating, pile in the car with cups of hot chocolate for a night time drive to look at Christmas lights, teach the kids a new carol song, etc… Do something that you might not have done as a family during the marriage.
3. Get some perspective – Remember that the holidays are not about you. Let your kids know that you wish them the very best time at the other parent’s house – even if you are worried about how you will cope alone.
4. Set realistic expectations – Children are not immune to your stress. Make an effort to avoid investing in outcomes. If your big day with the kids doesn’t turn out perfectly, take time to recognize that your children want to spend meaningful time with you and they don’t mind if the gingerbread house falls apart or the line to get their photo with Santa is a half-mile long.
5. Practice self care – If this is the first holiday post-divorce, it is natural for you and the children to experience some sadness. Get the support you need in order to talk these feelings through. Recognize that you might feel more stressed than usual during this time and be sure to get plenty of sleep, water, healthy food and exercise.

Getting through the holidays after divorce can be an emotional time, but if you plan ahead, start some new traditions and take care of your well-being, you can make it a wonderful time of the year for you and the kids.

1. Complete an, “Ex-parte Application for Restoration of Former Name After Entry of Judgment and Order.” FL-395. Indicate the case number, the date that the judgment of dissolution of marriage was entered and the former name that you would like to restore. Type in your current name and signature. Two-hole punch the original and attach 3 copies to the form along with a self-addressed stamped envelope (SASE) so that the court can mail the copies back to you.

2. Call or check with the court’s website to see if there are any fees that must be paid when filing divorce forms. Take the completed form/copies/SASE to the court for filing.

3. When you receive the stamped court-endorsed copy of the “Ex-parte Application for Restoration of Former Name After Entry of Judgment and Order” in the mail, the next step is to get a certified copy of the judgment. Attach a copy of the court-stamped Ex parte Application for Restoration of Former Name … along with any necessary court fees for certified copies. Call the court records dept. and ask if you can mail this form along with a letter to the court requesting a certified copy of the judgment or if this must be done in person. If the court allows you to mail it, attach a self-addressed stamped envelope that is large enough to fit the entire judgment and Marital Settlement Agreement so that the court can mail it back to you.

4. Once the certified copy of the judgment is received, you will show that copy (along with a copy of the “Ex-parte Application for Restoration of Former Name…”) to the DMV, the Social Security Dept, etc., to complete your name change on all records.

If you are not yet divorced, or in the middle of the divorce process, and would like to restore your former name, this is easy to do. Simply place a checkmark on the front page of the Judgment #4(f) that you would like to restore your former name and fill in the name. You will need to call the court to find out if there is a fee for a certified copy of the judgment. Write a letter to the court telling them that you are requesting a certified copy of the Judgment and attach a check if necessary. Once the judgment is entered by the court be sure to check that the court actually certified a copy. It is a red stamp usually on the back of the last page of the judgment or on the signature page of the judgment. You will take the entire certified copy of the judgment and the Ex parte application for restoration of former name with you to the DMV, Social Security office, etc., as they will need to see the court stamped copy plus the red certification stamp.

Why?

• When you begin a relationship, you likely are filled with positive feelings about your future together.
• In contrast, the decision to divorce often results in feelings that are painful and emotionally difficult.
• To make things more challenging, sometimes the choice to end the relationship is not even your own.
• Such situations can stir up strong emotions of fear and even anger.
• When anger and fear consume you, they can paralyze your thinking, making it more difficult to make important choices for you and your children.

Decisions made from fear and anger during a divorce often results in fear- and anger-driven responses. Why? When someone sets a negative tone, it actually attracts a similar response. To make things more difficult, fear-driven negotiations limit possibilities and solutions. Fear is a place where people become entrenched in their positions – gridlocked by senseless power struggles.

Such power struggles make it difficult to negotiate with positive results. Unfortunately, this often drives divorcing spouses into a court of law to turn over the decision-making process to a judge.

Who knows what’s best for your child?

You and your child’s other parent do, not a judge who has never met any of you.

This is not meant to demean the court. Family law judges and court mediators work very carefully to be fair. But the people who know your child best are you and the child’s other parent. By keeping the decision-making process between the parents, you will ensure your child’s best interest is at heart.

Points to Ponder

• When the emotions of fear and anger grab hold, they blind us.
• The negative energy of fear and anger are like a vacuum pulling us down a dark and distorted tunnel.
• Being in tune with the emotions that drive you and responding in the positive will make the process easier.

How Long Will It Take?
The length of mediation is largely dependent on the complexity of the issues involved and the degree to which both parties are willing to compromise. A typical case might require three or four two-hour mediation sessions spread out of a period of one or two months. If the case is more complicated, mediation can take up to six months.

With mediation there aren’t court schedules to consider or divorce attorneys communicating back and forth, so the parties involved can negotiate quicker and take a more expedited path to divorce.

How Much Will It Cost?
Every case is different, but an average mediation can cost a combined total of between $2,500 and $7,500 depending upon the number of mediation sessions needed. This would include the mediation sessions, preparation of the Marital Settlement Agreement and the preparation of the Petition/Judgment including court filing fees.

Both parties are encouraged to have a consulting attorney review the agreement and judgment which would be an additional cost. However, mediation is still two to ten times less expensive than hiring attorneys to handle the divorce from start to finish.

If you are interested in finding out more about divorce mediation or the divorce process, please contact us at (916) 488-5088 or info@FamilyLawCenter.us

Fred Luskin, Ph.D., is the director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects and the co-chair of the Garden of Forgiveness Project at Ground Zero in Manhattan. He shares the following advice for forgiving another person.

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.
2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.
3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you or condoning their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”
4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts, and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years – ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.
5. At the moment you feel upset, practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.
6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace, and prosperity and work hard to get them.
7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.
8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty, and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.
9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt, depression, and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion, and self-confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It will also help couples cope through divorce proceedings and mediation.

Student loans are taken out for different reasons, sometimes it’s to pay for college tuition and books and sometimes it’s to support the student (or family) while pursuing an education. Often it’s a little bit of both. So trying to figure out who is responsible for paying back the loan after divorce can be complicated.

A degree is not considered community property so therefore the debt incurred while achieving it is not usually considered community debt. However, if the marriage greatly benefited from the boost in income that comes with a degree (say, for example, one party goes to law school and after passing the bar is able to get a much higher paying job), then the family court might consider the cost of that degree when dividing debts. In the absence of substantial benefit to both parties, the repayment of the loan is the responsibility of the student.

When a divorce occurs shortly after one spouse graduates from college, the court more often than not holds the former student responsible for the repayment of the loans.

Find out more about the California Family Code dealing with student loans and divorce agreements here: http://law.onecle.com/california/family/2641.html

The list of what you need to consider can be mind boggling, but that’s ok because this is important.

Some Things Your Child Custody Agreement Might Cover:

• Mission statement of what’s important
• Name and date of birth of each child
• Standards of conduct for parents
• Parent responsibilities, decisions and appointments
• Basic education and college
• Medical care and insurance
• Dental care and insurance
• School decisions
• Child care and nanny
• Religious affiliation and training
• Time spent with each parent, including school, summers holidays
• Transportation to/from each home
• Terms for moving away
• Financial contributions of parents
• Duration of agreement and handling changes
• Resolution of disputes arising form the agreement
• Death of parents (wills guardians)
• Provisions for catastrophic events
• Long illnesses
• Drastic income loss
• Child’s surname
• Statement of paternity
• Parents access to information and records

And don’t forget: The Child Custody Agreement also needs to include the details of your time-sharing arrangement: Weekly schedules , vacations, birthdays, holidays, grandparents

You may not need all of these topics in your child custody agreement, or even most of them, but this will give you a place to start on this portion of your divorce process. The ideal situation is to give your child consistency in an inconsistent world.

There are time-saving alternatives to a do it yourself divorce that don’t have to break the bank. The Family Law Center can help you with an affordable divorce, allowing you to move on without the stress and frustration of handling it on your own.

What services do we offer?
• Preparation and filing of all necessary court documents.
• Custody Agreement – with a workable co-parent plan.
• Property Division – with creative solutions. (inc. division of retirements)
• Child and Spousal Support Agreement – utilizing state of the art software.
• Preparation and filing of all necessary court documents.
• Qualified Domestic Relations Orders – dividing pensions.
• Final Dissolution Judgments.
• Marital Settlement Agreements.

Have you read “Divorce on a Budget”? It provides an overview on how to minimize the cost and stress of a divorce.

Please call (916) 488-5088 to schedule a consultation with us.

If there have been serious incidents of physical or verbal abuse in the relationship, there is a likeliness that the abused party would feel intimidated by the other in the mediation process. In these types of cases, letting lawyers work together to reach a settlement via use of the court or negotiation would be the best option.

When one spouse has control over the financial information and the other spouse does not trust that spouse to provide them with the financial information, mediation is difficult if not impossible. This is a trickier area, especially if one party feels the other party may be hiding assets or in some other way cannot be relied upon to be forthcoming with financial information, it would be best to retain an experienced attorney.

In the case of an absentee spouse it can, for obvious reasons, be difficult to sit down in mediation and reach an agreement that is fair to both parties. If your spouse is “missing”, you will need an attorney to, after a reasonable search for that person, file for divorce by “default” on your behalf.

If you have questions about whether Divorce Mediation is right for you, please contact us at 916-488-5088.

• Infancy: Birth to 18 months–Trust issues are primary at this age. It’s important the child has attachment with both parents.
• Early Childhood: 18 months to 3 years: This age consists of many physical and social changes. Predictable schedules and supporting the relationship with the other parent can make exchanges easier.
• Preschoolers: Age 3 to 5 years: Child will begin to ask “Why?” As the child becomes more comfortable moving between two homes, additional time and one or two overnights may be added.
• Early School Age: 6-9 years This is a time of rapid learning and new skills. At this stage, the parents should try to limit the number of transitions between households. It is important to maintain consistency.
• Later School Years; 10-12 years: This age group can do well with many parenting plans as long as they provide frequent contact with both parents.
• Early Adolescence: 13 to 15years: At this stage, children are discovering who they are in the wider society. They will have strong significant relationships with their peer group. It is appropriate for the adolescent to negotiate their time directly with each parent.
• Late Adolescence 16-18 years: Gradual and healthy separation from both parents is common. While struggling to become independent, however, there is still a need for consistency, support and meaningful time with both parents.

If you have questions about Divorce, Divorce Mediation or parent plans, give us a call at (916) 488-5088. We serve Sacramento, Yolo, El Dorado and Placer counties.